Adele

Adele

[	userinfo	\|	livejournal userinfo	]
[	archive	\|	journal archive	]

(no subject)	[Nov. 7th, 2009\|10:29 pm]
should i feel guilty that this pre-A level period has been pretty pleasant for me? or maybe i should feel worried. but i really do love my parents i've been showered with love and if parental support could guarantee me As, i'll get Astars.
Link	5 comments\|Leave a comment

(no subject)	[Oct. 9th, 2009\|08:37 am]
i stayed up till one am last night and i've finally finished "possession" by a.s.byatt after reading the last page it was so beautiful i felt like crying "What is it? My dear?" "Ah, how can we bear it?" "Bear what?" "This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?" "We can be quiet together, and pretend - since it is only the beginning - that we have all the time in the world." "And every day we shall have less. And then none." "Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?" "No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere." and when i went to bed scenes from the book kept flashing in my head i want to re-read the book again
Link	Leave a comment

(no subject)	[Oct. 3rd, 2009\|11:19 pm]
i've been reading snatches of poetry and byatt in between slacking, feeling guilty about slacking and the sporadic studying possession by a.s.byatt has an apparent "magnetic readability" according to the guardian and it is wonderfully sensuous and very magnetic but i've been reading it for months now at page 363 with the last quarter to go it's like being stuck in a whirlpool it just keeps swirling and swirling inside my head i put it down for weeks at end and later pick it up again only to fall right back in but i love reading some of the poetry in it somehow some of the poetry inside is reminiscent of renaissance literature that perry went through in class it's pretty fascinating i'm also reading poetry by marge piercy from the collection mars and her children so far its been pretty disappointing with the occasional one or two poems that stands out but i'll keep going the seduction of anticipated pain You rush to embrace a certain form of pain like a bright tempered sword focusing light into a point of blindness on which you impale yourself. You thrust into that pain as into an iron maiden, yank it closed so that its spiks tear through flesh, organs until they meet like the grin of a shark. This is reality, you say as you bleed there in the dark of the grinding teeth, this is how I always secretly knew it would come out. with A levels i only have time for poetry now its strange to think that A lvls are in 36 days and it'll be the start of the end how weird that formal education in singapore is really about to come to an abrupt finish
Link	4 comments\|Leave a comment

(no subject)	[Oct. 2nd, 2009\|12:06 am]
tonight i'll say goodbye and tomorrow i'll meet with sinking heart
Link	Leave a comment

(no subject)	[Sep. 8th, 2009\|10:12 pm]
today while reading great expectations on the sofa after dinner i received two mosquito bites from a very voracious mosquito out there which BETTER BE satiated. i hope its having a stomach upset from too much food grr more importantly, hello mr burge if you're looking at this i think i deserve an A after all that lost blood!!! on another note, i've discovered the prettiest view from my house when i'm lying on my bed looking out at the window beside it during dusk the sky is beautiful. on the third floor and having the fortune of being next to the istana (hence there's a height limit in the vicinity) i don't see anything other than the sky and tonight the it was opaque and impenetrable and in sheer juxtaposition the tree right outside my window shivered
Link	5 comments\|Leave a comment

(no subject)

[Sep. 4th, 2009|09:01 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	okay	]
[	Current Music	\|	kids aflame	]

today-
i really don't feel like studying
i miss my brother
i just want to sit somewhere and talk to someone, properly without feeling worried/guilty (which can only happen after prelims)
i wrote a really cruddy essay for GP: yes, GP Qn 2 (Nothing is worth dying for) is REALLY not worth dying for damnit
i received a really cute post-it set from grace-the-awesome-junior
i realised that these two years have been characterised by consumption from dis-savings
i want to read some shorter-than-20-lines poetry
i want to eat tiramisu
i received two smses that made me feel thankful for good friends
i felt tired despite adequate sleep
I concluded that my favourite time of the day is just-before-sleep when i lie on my bed half talking to alicia half reading lit texts
IS GOING TO END
and tomorrow will be a better day!!:)

Link

12 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject)

[Aug. 22nd, 2009|01:12 am]

[

Current Mood

weird

]

its 0112 and i'm about to sleep. before blocks two i blogged about staying up late and feeling the cool night breeze but i think prelims and a levels gives you a totally different perspective about things. i occasionally inhale torrents of cigarette smoke from the dude that's smoking 3 floors down and i gag but that passed temporarily
i'm sort of dazed right now the kind of feeling you get when you haven't been sleeping enough and you're living in a permanent state of semi-inactivity and panic
i don't really want to talk about prelims and a levels and how unprepared i am because i think i've kind of reached a stage beyond the panic so i can't be bothered for now
its my dad's birthday today alicia joel and i chipped in to buy him a mieo watch which can count calories, hearbeat and number of steps without requiring a belt strap perfect for my exercise obssessed dad
in school talk about university and scholarships have pretty much died down and i've really stopped thinking about it already i'm 80% sure what i'm going to apply for and its really a few little details to consider but i'm all set my future is laid out in my mind in these neat lists of alternatives and i don't worry anymore but i dream anyway i see myself going to different places different unis different continents and its surreal to think that next year it'll really be (hopefully) happening
i dream but i don't dare dream and i dont want to dream but i dont really want to be disappointed at the end of the day
im really happy my parents are the way they are. my daddy has absolutely no distinguishing standards i think he's all for me applying not-so-great unis if it means i'll stand a better chance of getting in that day i was talking to him about contingency plans (i.e. i dont get a scholarship) and talking to him about taking a partial student loan and borrowing the rest from him and my dad just ruffles my hair and tells me not to worry and that he'll pay for me whereever i go
and i guess the fact that they believe in me and they're willing to pay half-a-freaking-million for me to go to some place any place just to get out of singapore next year makes me feel both incredibly blissful and incredibly stressed
because really i know that nothing would make them happier than if i get into oxfordorpennorsomewherefabulousthatidreamaboutbutdaren'thopefor and i want more than anything to do it not just for myself but for them and make them proud
i think nothing quite trumps that as a birthday present
happy birthday daddy i'll try my best

p.s. for some strange reason typing that made me tear

Link

2 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject)	[Aug. 15th, 2009\|04:00 pm]
i just had an epiphany and i feel like a more mature person hahaha. after math athena, yina jingwei and i went to eat at a northern indian restaurant nearby and walking home, lulling over conversations both in the restaurant and on the bus and i just realised. and i feel its pretty significant, to me at least.
Link	Leave a comment

TODAY IN THE POST

[Jul. 20th, 2009|08:14 pm]

[

Current Mood

happy

]

school has been a mishmash of lessons interspersed by worry. history has been a blast lately: mr miles regales us stories and jokes and general melodrama. i think the fact that global economy is just so iffy plays a part. but i really like the topic: the part of me that once wanted to study economic history never really disappeared entirely. between lessons we flock to the staffroom in hoards, eager students grasping for dreams that quite easily slip through our fingers. conversations are all about uncertainties and futures. we can't help it i guess, i feel like for the first time, we have to mould our own futures and more often than not, we don't quite know what shape we want.

i've been vacillating with subject combinations. i think within two years i've changed my mind more times than i can count. studying pure history seemed to be a bit of a gamble: wasn't too sure whether i wanted to study it pure or in combination with another subject (politics? economics?), never thought i was particularly good enough to do it etc etc (plus the age-old what do you do with a history degree question) but i believe in signs and getting back my blocks ii history exam paper today was an affirmation of a tentative decision i had already partially made. although it has to be said that at any other university i wouldn't consider pure history. the thing about me is that i am so bloody uncertain about what i want.

i miss my brother. i was typing out an email to him today and i realise how much i wish he was still in his room (the room i am in now partially studying i say partially self-evidently because i am obviously not doing much studying haha) and i could just pop in to bug/nag/question because if anything, he reassures me. he has more confidence in me than i have in myself and its a very pleasant feeling. come back don't party so much at rock concerts in argentina :(

my toilet is under construction/renovation. apparently we're leaking into the second floor. i came back early today and regretted it it sounds like wwthree in the afternoon: drills and hammers galore. couldn't get any work done the sound was incessant and annoying

i had a really good weekend. other than CATS being an utter waste of my time, i met up with friends: p, becca, cher, and it was a breather. meeting up with jc when she gets back from i-don't-know-where-somewhere-i'd-rather-be-whereever-it-is on sat for lunch and i'm looking forward to that too. and my hot date with huishan. i guess thats what the rest of the year is going to be like. the sporadic (in my case not really that sporadic i'm such a bum) moments of fun between what is gonna be some really painful grind and toil

and oh, oh, today in post, delivered by a friendly man in yellow who gave my sister a great shock (she opened the door to go down to let the guy through the gate only to find him already outside the door doesn't sound funny but her shriek was haha) came the new macbook pro which my dad bought for us and my ipod touch with my name (adele natalya tee) at the back <3<3<3

in the mean time i shall close this and do cold war revision o-m-gee i think there'll never be a time that i'm ahead. seems like i'm on the perpetual catch-up for anything academic related zzz

Link

8 comments|Leave a comment

(no subject)	[Jul. 6th, 2009\|08:08 pm]
i've been straddled with this headache. it is an incessant beating in my left temple that lingers between pounds; it beats, flickers, dies out and the cycle repeats again and again. i don't really know how to deal with it because i'm not the kind of person that gets headaches so this is rather new to me. alicia thinks its due to the two weeks of blocks and maybe this is a message that i really should not indulge in last minute procrastination.
Link	1 comment\|Leave a comment

1256 record of sounds	[Jun. 20th, 2009\|09:32 pm]
its 1256. i study at a table that is just under a huge window. in the day, especially in the late afternoon, when i slide the glass open, i am enraptured in wind: it makes for lovely studying. at this point in time, there is no breeze just the sound of cars driving past the highway (which is busy 24/7 there is no peace and quiet at my house) but i think the sound is quite comforting. there is something about absolute silence that unnerves me. the ringing in my ears is a reminder of isolation there is no sound but my own thoughts trying to replace the vacuum i'm in. so i l like nights like this. just before i sleep. and just for a few moments i like to stop in my tracks whatever i'm doing to listen to tyres and realise that the reflection of a tired girl in the tainted glass of my window is me and the absence of stars or moon in the sky does not mean i don't need sleep.
Link	Leave a comment

AFTERTHOUGHTS	[Jun. 7th, 2009\|11:45 pm]
i am saddled with afters. the aftertaste of jasleens-brownie-with-icecream, jiawens-domestic-goddess-shephards-pie, jinyaos-my-chicken-is-perfect-chicken, sin-sandwiched-between-marshmellowschocolateandcookies. the aftersmell of sweat. charcoal. food. ice slithering down skin. the afterfeel of buttjerks cheek-to-cheek, arms shoulder-to-shoulder, of being pulled apart limb-to-limb. the afterhears of jinyao-in-the-limelight, alfreds-bad-chinese-commentary, my-personal-shriek-to-shatter-the-night. of you,me,he,she,we, voices as one in a multitude of pitches. i am inundated with little touches, little smells, little sounds, little tastes, little bits of a night. it is like holding on to a liquid dream that flows out from clenched fingers. it is the small things that keep you going and the small things that you will miss. i hate to bring up trite imageries of disparate jigsaw pieces that fit together as a single puzzle because it isn't like that. its hard to pinpoint but i think its the level of comfort. when we are placed together in a group, everyone is at ease and massacring songs at the top of our lungs isn't an embarrassment, neither is whacking butts with kohyina or dancing half the steps of fac dance because we've forgotten the other half or pretending to be a rockband with the desperation of people who don't have much time left. and that is who we are- people who don't have much time left. but for what its worth, i love A14.
Link	7 comments\|Leave a comment

(no subject)	[May. 30th, 2009\|11:14 pm]
and so marks the beginning of one of the un-holidays. or quasi-holidays. it's like, e-learning except without the e. having so much work to do in this month is an insult to the term 'holiday' and i refuse to smear its name in mud!!! i spent the day in the library today. surrounded by books one of the things i love and soaking in the pleasant odourless-ness and silence- there's no better way to study i think, although after a few hours, i could feel the strain of mental exertion ringing in my head, so much so that when i walked out, i felt vaguely lightheaded. studying can do what hours of squash can do to me. went for dinner with the family to seven on club and im reminded again of all things important in this world. alicia and i engaged in a rather rambly and incoherent conversation of quantum physics and cosmology and the fleeing obsession with all things minute was dredged out of my mind; for a moment i was a carefree seventeen again eating egyptian food at haji lane and frenatically explaining the big bang theory to friends. but i guess being eighteen sucks out alot from you. things that happened to me in the past weeks are coming out in dribs and drabs. on friday a few of us went to hard rock cafe and indulged in good ol' girl talk. part of the conversation included graduation. someone said that she couldn't wait to graduate from hwachong and i couldn't help but disagree completely. yes being in hp is like being sucked into a quagmire of pressure, inadequacy and diminishing self-confidence but i think for the first time in a very long time- or maybe ever- i do feel like i really belong; i feel like on a certain level, i can connect with most people in the programme and i can understand. maybe because we are all entrenched into this ruthless ratrace for success and that single-minded purpose has driven and shaped us into the people we are. and as much as we diagree, we are a part of it. and being with people just like me, although frustrating at times, is also a breath of fresh air. but i've really grown to love hp and A14 especially. so i will miss it when the time comes. my eyes keep threatening to seal shut. i always thought that the older you get (until DMR sets in!!! ) the less sleep you need. for me it seems to work in reverse. eight hours barely suffices anymore. i feel vaguely like i've gotten out of my caccoon way to early and now everyday is a struggle to get back in.
Link	9 comments\|Leave a comment

ON ENDS AND NEW BEGINNINGS

[May. 17th, 2009|08:33 pm]

[

Current Mood

content

]

wednesday was the culmination of six years and it should have been the zenith of my journey- the feeling i got instead was a lingering sense of anticlimax. certainly there was the buildup of nerves expressed in the slight tingling of butterflies-in-the-stomach, the long-drawn-out conversations over lineups and the mandatory pre-match jitters. maybe the fact that i didn't play had something to do with it- but i highly doubt so because last year was different- but all i felt was a vague ache and some numbness. the end didn't justify the journey. and while squash has long been over for me, i expected something more in the finale- it was more like the brief fizzles in the sky after the fireworks has died down, sparks trying to catch more meaning that it was. maybe it's just me. but i was happy when we won- jubilation mixed with some relief because maybe if the results had gone the other way there would have been a lot of regret on how i had taken these two years in hcsquash. but it didn't, my guilt assuaged and i feel really proud of all of us because we really did deserve it. hc squash ftw<3
on another note, huishan, renj and kellie: i was really happy with the card and the food (even if it was utterly random haha). REALLY HAPPY. i love you guys <3

the whole week was spent in anticipation. this weekend has been awesome in many ways: my brother is back and even though we've fallen back into casual insults i miss him and i'm happy to have him in the room next to mine. i went out for tea with huishan food for thought is such a quirky indie cafe i love it, especially the banana chocolate malteaser which brings um to the yum :) great dinners as well (another good thing about having my brother home: my parents are trying to stuff him with food he cannot get in penn and the whole family benefits) and my favourite moroccan tea when i met up with paul who lent met his old handphone indefinitely. good food and company in between some hardcore shopping (on yina's part that shopaholic!) lots of reading and much-needed sleep and-- i'm ready for the week ahead.

one chapter closes and another begins. the end signals new beginnings and well, hopefully it'll be a new me as well.
a me that does math tutorials on time, for example.

Link

Leave a comment

(no subject)	[Apr. 18th, 2009\|03:40 pm]
QUOTING MYSELF (TAKEN FROM ALICIA'S BLOG) (on finding out that Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro has been adapted into a film) Me: They can't put Kiera Knightley as Kathy! She has to be ordinary and mousy! She can't look like that! Adele: Yea. Maybe that's why they chose someone flat. hahaha, reading that made me laugh at myself. i'm not sure if its because i find myself hilarious or because i find myself mean. either way its weird. i think its one of those times where i cannot imagine myself having ever said this. it's been quite a week so far. blocks results have finally returned and my ABBB is painfully mediocre but i'm lost past that, i can do better next time, i just need to stop procrastinating and being lazy. rachael yamagata was pretty laidback and cool; although her voice was affected by her cold, she was so cute i cant help but love her. ("it's tea in the decanter. no wait it's wine. actually it's tea. okay fine, it's wine" awwww) c-africa has finally come to fruition and that's really an achievement because i half expected the project to sink into oblivion because sometimes i doubt myself and my ability to really continue the cafrican legacy, if i can call it that, and finally passing the project on to the new team leaders comes with a sigh of relief and some pride. on another note, reminiscing about the 17 days in kenya has brought back alot of awesome memories too and it has strengthened my determination to return after A levels. and on another note, i wish squash finals was nearer. while i love my teammates and hcsquash has been pretty much full of wonderful memories for me, i think i've reached a point of stagnation and saturation. i don't really feel much drive to continue training and i think the competitive squash road has reached a point of no progression. it's diminishing marginal returns from this point onwards and i think i want this chapter to come to a completion so i can just move on with the other increasingly important things i should be focusing on. :( but life sucks and it's a month away. and while i gripe and complain i know training is important and the month is valuable because really, i cannot envisage losing and i desperately (perhaps rather unfairly) want two years straight gold. more happily, i've returned to more consistent consumption of fiction and poetry. finally finished 'A history of love' and there were parts of it that were wonderful although i think i need to reread it because its one of those books i think ill never fully grasp. reading 'No country for old men' by Cormac McCarthy right now. molly was raving about it and while it has proved relatively engrossing i'm not sure whether i really like it. and while i normally have absolutely no appetite for pablo neruda, i like the last few lines so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. (XVII) because there is something beautiful in its simplicity. i wish i have more time to really read more but between cca five times a week, schoolwork plus assorted commitments, i squander what's left on chuck and decadence so at the end of the day i guess it's really my own fault. and before i log off i want to see marcus ho bald
Link	6 comments\|Leave a comment

eighteen and in love with the world	[Apr. 6th, 2009\|11:30 pm]
when i was seventeen i fell in love and then out of it, plunged straight into the real world and grew up; now that i'm eighteen i just feel thankful for all the blessings in life. and i am grateful for all the love so THANK YOU EVERYONE! you guys have made it an eighteen to remember<3 koh yina; your present is awesome and even though you're a bitch i still love you <3 jiawen; we've had our ups and downs as you've said but hey we made it through and thank you for always always making me feel better :) athena tan; you cupcakes are freaking gay and sexy go away you domestic goddess (i love you too<3) molly; hahahahah your shower comment cracks me up (adele- thanks for the body scrub and soap! molly- now you'll think of me when you're in the shower. ... ew molly hahaha) junhong; wahlao everyone's artistic sills pwnz mine :( THANKS FOR THE SHIRT i still cant believe you copied it hahaha jac; 13 years and counting <3 eli; uh the monkey is cute like me :) HAHA kellie; kellie tan i've known you for so long and its funny how things come full circle THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING renjie; CAP buddy hahaha you're actually the first hwachong hp guy i've talked to i realise! it's quite strange how we all ended up friends and thank you for it; it's been an awesome journey so far and itll get better i air hug you abby; SHOPPING PARTNERRRR <3 qihan; HAHA I BET ABBY PICKED THE PRESENT ! THANK YOU THANK YOU :D jinyao; even though i always tease you you're a good friend although OMG WTH?! now everyone sprouts chinese words when they see me hahaha davin; your photoshop skills are imba hahahah dont worryi blame jinyao for everything never you :D chengaik; your cookies have won my vote :D amadea; I SHOULD HAVE KISSED YOU THAT DAY HUGS <3 brenda; hearttttt! huan and chuazy; zomg KINKY alfred; the picture was hilarious. hahahahha and thank you very much for the card it was very sweet<3 huishan; tay huishan I LOVE YOU. your present did make me tear. and i thank you for giving me these two awesome years at hwachong. and i really do believe we'll be friends for a longlonglonglong time. HUG<3 small tee; i think you know everything i want to say. you're really the best sister anyone can ask for. and even though we shout and fight and generally piss each other off, i love you so so much okay<3 paul, benpoh, benchow, marcus, daniel soo, kuanyue, grace, bing, chengaik, mark, hernhern, nicholas, aaron, heather, elaine tan, the other elaine tan, mari, darren, ruiling, justin, cindy, domdom, terence, jethro, zhu, wilson, rebecca, yuqin, grace, hweeyanne, norine, huan, chuazy, brenda, woonlue, jhunboon, ruth, bryden, jingwei, zhuoxuan, yenjin, weisheng, val, shawn, pris, michael, liangzhou, kimby, karen, kaixian, jonheng, jeanne, hubert, hannah, annjie, nigel, janice, JC<3<3
Link	2 comments\|Leave a comment

(no subject)

[Apr. 2nd, 2009|10:42 pm]

[

Current Mood

sad

]

it's funny how something small can derail an entire week. i was thinking just a few days ago that i've never been happier and now i look like a goldfish (the kind with bulbous eyes) complete with angelina-jolie-lips-gone-wrong because do you know what your lips swell when you cry? a little comment can make me feel like an inadequate, insecure little girl again, and even though i'm on the verge of eighteen i still feel painfully young and inferior. i hate falling short in anyway. (and not just literally.) i hate crying. and mostly, i hate fighting with my parents, and even though i really really love them very much, sometimes, they just don't understand me at all.
if you see me tomorrow please don't laugh. i'm going to look like a train wreck.

Link

2 comments|Leave a comment

navigation

[	viewing	\|	most recent entries	]
[	go	\|	earlier	]

Customize

Advertisement

Advertisement